Cocktails of the COVID-19 Quarantine
For six years part of my job was inventing names for cocktails for The House of Seagram. While I no longer work for that agency, I miss the days of brainstorming -- often accompanied by expense-accounted consumption of the appropriate beverage(s) or sampling at Seagram. Sadly in the Seagram test kitchen we had to spit out what we sampled.
So while I’m sitting here facing a world limited by our little house and the fence and shrubbery that bound it, I got to thinking that it was perhaps time to flex that muscle again. So take a whack at one or all of these after you get up from your hot laptop and the email and the instant messages and the texts that seem to arrive nonstop.
Some people think they know where this one comes from, and we're all afraid where it will lead us:
- Chinese Virus. Baiju and absinthe. Baiju is probably the most consumed liquor in the world, equal parts pungency and power. Absinthe itself can be hot and harsh. Together they will go pandemic all over your world, leaving you to wonder whether there’s a cure for what you consumed.
- Social Distance. Baiju, Jagermeister, and cream. Add the cream to the baiju so it curdles, then top with the Jägermeister. It’s a drink that looks awful, tastes worse, and will keep everyone six feet away. Garnish with Sen Sen candy. Usually served with an ugly sweater and a scratch ‘n’ sniff of your dad’s Christmas cologne.
- The Italian Border. Frangelico, amaretto, nocino. Serve with whipped cream and a cherry. After all, if you can’t get out, you might as well make the best of it.
- Quarantino. 5 parts Limoncello to one part Campari in a martini glass. Drink for fourteen days straight and hope you still have a job.
- The CDC. Chivas Regal, Dewar’s, Coca-Cola. Drink it neat, drink it over ice, it doesn’t matter. Face it, you just want to get drunk.
- The Pandemic. Grab the first five bottles you find in your bar and then just pour directly from them onto your desk. See whether you can lick it up before it spills onto the floor.
- The Hand Sanitizer. Sambuca, Everclear, and simple syrup. This is a presentation drink. Your server or bartender (if you’re lucky enough to have someone sharing your little COVID-19 hideaway) fills latex gloves with each ingredient to you, then pours each into your shot glass and lights it.
- The Test Kit. Except we don’t know what’s in it because no matter how many times you ask for it, it never arrives.
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